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Craig Kellman

@cdkellman

This new Steve Miller Ban sucks. I can't believe this guy once wrote "Jet Airliner".


I don't take selfies. I take self-loathies.


Gonna start referring to my penis as a carbon nanotube


I take it back. Just checked and saw a million people already did that fucking one hours ago. I should check first. #slow


Wishing all of our Jewish feline friends a very good Yom Kip-purr. #FancyFast


So that means I'm hosting the Oscars this year?


Dreamt last night Billy Crystal was driving me in a car & I whispered "Teenage Gluten Binger Turtles" into his ear and he drove off a cliff.


If Goldfinger and James Bond joined forces, they would be Gold Bond. Together, they could fight my swamp crotch. #sofuckinghot


Just saw an old episode of Rocky and Friends with a Bullwinkle's Corner segment titled "I Love Little Pussy"! No moose knuckles, then?


Tonight I went to The Palm for dinner for the first time, then came home and went to the palm for sex for the millionth time.


((God Only Knows) You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party!) #BeachstieBoys


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