Dave Mac 🎃☃️🐰
@dave9mac
Haligonian. I like orange flavoured beverages. He/him
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Being an older student fucking rules. You? Afraid to raise your hand in class. Me? eating a ziploc of scrambled eggs in the front row. I’m interrupting the professor with a question that’s actually a statement. I clear my throat so loud it sets off a car alarm
How not to disguise the identity of your witness
A mysterious expert in submersibles was interviewed by the Coast Guard during the Titan investigation. His name is redacted, but we barely get into the interview before it becomes obvious who it is.
I’m a huge fan of whatever the heck this is
The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
A lot of people don’t realize you can save all the bones from any chicken you cook, store them in the freezer, and then throw them out in like a year.
My resignation letter from CDC. Dear Dr. Houry, I am writing to formally resign from my position as Director of the National Center for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), effective August 28, 2025, close of business.…
don’t be coming in my house pouring no big cups of juice
When a recipe says to use unsalted butter it’s like Sure. Let me just run to the Less Yummy Store & grab some
me texting my fiance the night before our wedding: yo we still on for tomorrow?
I was in the pub when the barmaid screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet," and we all laughed and laughed—well, except one person
you know which other astronomer got publicly dragged for focusing on the wrong body
free fallin’ verse 1: she’s a good girl ❤️ she loves horses free fallin’ verse 2: there are VAMPIRES in Los ANGELES
I just sat my sister down and made her swear she will immediately believe me if I ever call her and tell her I'm living the same day over and over again. I can't waste time convincing a skeptic every day, so let's just lay the groundwork now. I am drunk but that's irrelevant
Regrettably, my children appear to have befriended a child I find annoying
Finally asked my husband if I could throw away the fake plant that’s been on the kitchen windowsill for *three years* that I assumed he had some kind of emotional attachment to and he said “that’s a fake plant??”
Flour company: What if we sell it in a paper bag that’s not fully sealed at the bottom?
I get it. You represent the Lollipop Guild. Please, a woman is dead and I'm hopelessly lost.
I am always fooled by a wig. People will talk about a bad wig and I didn’t even know it was one to start with. I thought The B-52’s hair was real. I am very trusting and stupid.
I’m no expert on cows but they are nosy as hell. If ur doin something near a cow they’re gonna come look. If there’s a structure near them,they gotta wander in and see what’s goin on in there. I saw a yard sale set up in a barn and all the cows were inside lookin at the stuff.
went swimming for exercise for the first time in 15+ years and at the end of what I thought was a pretty normal lap a lifeguard came over and asked if I was ok
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