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In life it's important to remember you cannot make everyone happy. You are not an avocado
I'm not making any New Years resolutions. No one likes a skinny, sober bitch anyway 🙅🏼
How do girls contour their face everyday? I'm lucky if I even brush my hair
I wonder if Earth makes fun of all the other planets for having no life
i guess what i'm getting at is I hate lettuce. sorry salad, i love you, i'm just not crazy about lettuce. lettuce is like sad bread
like salads with a lot of cheese, olives, corn, croutons, beets, and pizza in it
but seriously i like salad when there is not a lot of salad in it
"hi, can i have a big plate of floppy thin green stuff that tastes like wet rust?" - my impression of someone ordering salad
I want pizza but I don't want to pay for pizza. I need a pizza daddy... A papa john if you will.
How many billionaires in this world and not one of them has decided to become Batman
I appreciate the effort, but the only thing that got caught in the fruit fly trap today was me #restaurantlife
I'm one of those assholes who's mood is influenced by hockey and the weather. The #Canucks lost and its pissing rain. I'm not doing so well
The best kind of day calls for a slouchy beanie AND sunglasses #yvr
Day four of milkshake being in the yard. Still no sign of any boys #singletilidie
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