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BREAKING: Randy Johnson hired as ESPN analyst, stationed outside Miller Park with bucket of baseballs to protect Selig statue.
Serve @fakeESPN: if you see Joe Lunardi, immerse his head in a bucket of ice water to prevent 'Scanners'-style explosion.
Serve @fakeESPN: refer to the new 96-team NCAA bball tourney by its new name: @fakeESPN's March Batshit Insanity.
When consuming @fakeESPN on your new Apple tablet, do not multitouch Skip Bayless; it scuffs his elbow patches.
Buy the new Apple tablet this week so you can finally sleep with @fakeESPN each night!
Serve @fakeESPN: Consume Xbox Live exclusive content, inc. "Sklar Bros Contractual Obligation Hour" & "GTA: Kiffin".
BREAKING: Lane Kiffin resigns as USC head coach to become President of Haiti, claiming "this disaster needed me more".
BREAKING: Rick Reilly to showcase urine specimen selection on E:60 tonight; McGwire cup said to have "angry tint".
I just became the mayor of All Leveragable Platforms on @foursquare! http://j.mp/4Epnkz
Tune in Sunday to see Chris Connelly's story on Colt McCoy's heroic return from paralysis after Tim Tebow lays hands!
WARNING: When watching the @fakeESPN 3D network, do not attempt to reach out and slap Joe Morgan; TV damage may result.
As always, serve @fakeESPN's reverse quantum rule: events that are not observed on @fakeESPN platforms did not occur.
Tune into @fakeESPN for our wildly dangerous New Year's event. This year, we disparage the SEC mildly. Extreme programming!
ON TONIGHT: Tune into SportsCenter as medical expert Sen. Bill Frist breaks down game tape to diagnose Urban Meyer.
DEVELOPING: Current frontrunner for U of FL position is former Notre Dame coach & current ambassador to Palestine Tareq Salahi.
BREAKING: Urban Meyer to leave coaching to spend time with family. Meyer is first public figure of 2009 to mean that literally.
BREAKING: Blazers F Nicolas Batum spontaneously combusts while rehabbing today - out indefinitely.
If you are seeing DMs from @STEIN_LINE_HQ, your credit card has already been charged for @fakeESPN Twitter Insider. Congrats!
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