Matt Miller
@fixedgearmatt
There are only two things keeping me from becoming the most dangerous man on earth: a slow wifi connection and my weak, stubby little legs.
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barney doesnt actually die. he just becomes more and more obscured by bulletholes until i close the window. hes still smiling. fuck this app
joke's on you; i actually love being body slammed by one dozen perfect wrestlers. and my mouth isn't filled with bloodm, it's victory wine
donald trump has no time to fuck. he looks at his watch and says "i could not possibly fuck at this juncture." as he powerwalks into the zoo
When I have invested in eating a pail of corn, I am not to be disturbed for an fortnight.
i can drink coffee it coffee for drink coffee i can handle coofee coffee to drink coffee yes good everything under control cofeen is yes yes
I had dream that I was bread I'm feel conflict.
A marry between a man and woman people sloppery slop;then what is prevent a bird from marriage my sandwich??? I'm in love my samdich.
i have moved all of my bitcoins directly into my brain for safekeeping until all this nutso crap blows over
my favorite holiday is the one where you cover everything in plastic and turn the hose on indoors and just go wild
Mentioning the woefully fated thursday nite rant feature to me constitutes harassment. Let's keep the trash out. I am a real journalist now.
baby carrot are about the same size as tripple A batteries , but they tast different
it is good to be alon on saturday night because then you can sit and think about what it look like if a carrot could fly like a brid
15 baby carrot will usully flush down the toilet but anythig more is risky . Be smart
I'm no hero. I thought being a white guy would do it, but it turns out there's other criteria
sees another grown man eating cheerios off his table at the restaurant, gives him the restaurant cheerio nod
im upset because nobody wants to market anything to my ultra fucked up demographic
This took two hours. I regret nothing #KSDK #NationalCatDay ksdk.com/picture-galler…
“@alispagnola: Spread disease: Wash your hands in the toilet Instagram.com/p/gCiGyETQE2/” A recipe for success.
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