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Fucked that there are a million songs about love but only one about working at the car wash
Im off that good gifts and decked out halls
Pro tip: bring your dog when you get an oil change. One growl and they won’t try to get you to pay for a cabin air filter or a tire rotation
Every day there are 3 guarantees: - the sun rises - the sun sets - Chrome needs to relaunch for an update
Can’t fall asleep because of jet lag so I’m about to… clean my bathroom? Send help
let’s be real the best invention of the last five years is not chatgpt. it’s nerds gummy clusters
Dearest mother — I hope you enjoy the gift. It took me weeks to whittle the perfect piece of lumber … but I feel the end result is stupendous. Please move the figurine among the live stock daily, so all have some time with me. Do not let the hogs be greedy with it. — Andrew
Dearest Mother — We’ve unearthed 20,000 relics bearing my likeness. They shall be bestowed upon our loyal supporters Nov. 29. — Andrew 🎟️ gostanford.com/LuckBobblehead
There should be 4 hours between 10 pm and midnight
Women are obsessed with Love Island, but when me and my boys do it in real life we’re disgusting cheating dogs???
I don’t think people realize how blown you have to get to achieve smithereens status
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