mariokartwii95's profile picture. i own two dishwashers.

yoshy from mario kart

@mariokartwii95

i own two dishwashers.

مثبتة

A Bug's Life, but it's just a fly throwing itself against a window for an hour and a half


Men are always like: "how can I be a misogynist when I don't even know what that word means?"


if my antidepressants actually worked maybe i wouldn’t be using a warm day-old mcdonald’s fruitopia to wash them down in the morning


Imagine using an electric toothbrush? I'll keep my mouth lightning free thank you very much


sickened by how everyone shames me for being “too political” on here. i refuse to be silenced. honey nut cheerios are objectively THE best cheerios flavour and i will not hear otherwise


Theory: mice are smarter than humans Proof: there are 0 mice in the entire world that think vaccines cause autism


Any salad is a Caesar salad if you stab it enough times


Is there anything better than that first fart into freshly cleaned sheets?


boys be like: oh you wanted me to shower first? aight hand me those lysol wipes over there real quick


I’ve never heard someone say “everyone’s entitled to their own opinion” and then finish the sentence without saying “but”


What’s it like to be in high school without worrying for months about how you’re going to ask out the girl you didn’t know was gay


The day I take a shower in the dark is the day I admit to being a psychopath


You’ve tried weed and alcohol, but have you tried being a 20 year old nursing student and posting an Instagram story wearing scrubs?


Judas: hey Jesus whatcha got there? Jesus: a gun Judas: what’s it do? Jesus: i can kill people with it. real easy Judas: *starting to sweat* haha that’s real cool j-dog... umm i gotta go talk to some people lol see you at dinner tonight


"I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby like you uwu" - wheatus, 2000


Skin Care Routine (Men’s Version): 1. Never explicitly wash your face, just let the shampoo from your hair run down over it in the shower 2. Scratch excess dirt and grime off with your nails 3. Think about your 2015 high school junior baseball championship game


Nothing beats that rush I get during the brief moment my laptop screen has word "anal" on it as I frantically try to finish typing out "analysis"


Instead of mirrors there should just be a grandma in every bathroom to tell you how handsome you are


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