McSweeney's
@mcsweeneys
The official feed of McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, & McSweeney's Books. Publisher of @illustoria and @believermag.
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We LOVED Diane Keaton. RIP. mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-am-…
"First of all, let me quickly say to all the non-Dartmouth Admissions officers: I liked your schools fine, and this has no bearing on you. Just understand, I have decided to use this platform to tell Dartmouth how all-in I am on them." mcsweeneys.net/articles/my-co…
"What’s that sound? All I hear is the sound of you not eating a bucket of eggs. That eggless silence is the worst sound in the world." mcsweeneys.net/articles/you-d…
MYTH: The President “brandished” an assault rifle. FACT: Semi-automatic rifles like the Colt AR-15 are not assault rifles; they do not have burst or fully automatic firing capabilities. mcsweeneys.net/articles/gop-t…
FREDDIE: I got Geese. EDDIE: Goose? FREDDIE: No, Geese. EDDIE: More than one? FREDDIE: It’s just the one. Geese. EDDIE: I’m saying. Geese is more than Goose. FREDDIE: I’m glad you think so. I tried for Goose, too, but no luck. mcsweeneys.net/articles/fredd…
"A giant military parade is just a fun, wholesome way to celebrate the birthday of America’s commander in chief. Claim otherwise, and we’ll be forced to send the National Guard to your city until you wise up." mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-ar…
"I’m getting chills, and they’re multiplying just thinking about those jaws hitting the floor when they see I look exactly the same, going, 'Like for real, man, this is freaking me out, what the hell is going on with you?'" mcsweeneys.net/articles/danny…
"To prepare our bodies for the demands of labor, Minerva will eat a balanced diet, attend a yoga class, and learn a variety of breathing techniques, while I will practice absentmindedly scrolling through memes on my phone from a distant room." mcsweeneys.net/articles/were-…
"At best, soap is an innocuous gift, likely to end up in a guest bathroom for the next three years until it’s thrown out. At its worst, soap suggests a last-ditch effort, right below key chains, mugs, or their de rigueur equivalent, the tote bag." mcsweeneys.net/articles/ask-c…
"Mambo No. 5" – Lou Bega: "Polygamous Dance Catalog in F Major for German-Cuban Vocalist. Homage to Monica, Erica, Rita, Sandra, Tina, Mary, Jessica, et al." mcsweeneys.net/articles/if-po…
"This is a good book. It has a cover and many pages. This book is endorsed by parents and is church-friendly. It is clean and full of Grace, as in it was approved by a Florida state media consultant named Grace." mcsweeneys.net/articles/final…
"I wear the same T-shirt every day, and I have a relatably unkempt haircut. I remind you of the smart kids from high school, so I give you hope that the future might be okay." mcsweeneys.net/articles/hi-im…
"I think we are all winners tonight. I mean, Dr. Zorritz, converting charged lepton particles to neutrinos exclusive of Pauli’s exclusion principle? I laughed, I cried, I singed my eyebrows." mcsweeneys.net/articles/on-th…
"Look, there’s no time to dress it up with flowery language. These are sixteen-, eighteen-, and twenty-hour days spent out in public, on sidewalks, in parking lots, courthouse lobbies, napping in old Mazda 626s, you name it." mcsweeneys.net/articles/pleas…
What is the name of your least favorite child? In what year did you abandon your dreams? What is the maiden name of your father's mistress? mcsweeneys.net/articles/nihil…
"This is a choice we have made as a family, and I will not let a bunch of judgmental strangers or any of the many doctors I have called shame me into changing my mind." mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-a-…
"Heavily drink warm bourbon from mason jars while swathed in an L.L. Bean Hudson Bay blanket and start a small bonfire using J. Crew catalogs as kindling. Sacrifice your favorite plaid scarf to the hungry flames to ensure more Instagram followers." mcsweeneys.net/articles/fall-…
"When they fought, the Vikings fought hahd! N’ some’ah the ones that got the most famous fahr fightin’ the fuckin’ hahdest were the Varangians who fought in Constantinople befoh r’it turned intah a Turkish caliphate ah whatevah." mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-sho…
"I can’t believe Sandy didn’t want to come. 'All anybody is gonna want to talk about is that stupid car and how we mysteriously flew away, never to be seen or heard from until tonight.' Ugh, she’s gonna be right, again." mcsweeneys.net/articles/danny…
Today’s mandatory faculty mental health slideshow, “Going Through the Motions: How to Function Despite the Fact Your Supervisors Hate You and Your Job Is Destroying You Spiritually,” has been postponed again. mcsweeneys.net/articles/the-f…
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