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I stepped off the trail to give a man on a mobility scooter space. He had a Gadsden flag waving off the back of the scooter. He said "thanks" and I said "no problem," thereby missing a perfect opportunity to say "I DIDN'T WANT TO TREAD ON YOU."
There's a truly alarming number of drinking straws littering the streets and gutters everywhere I go, and it is making me prejudiced against straw users.
Not here to embarrass anyone, but virtually all of you have forgotten my birthday for like 35 years running. And I have baked, and single-handedly eaten, a cake for each birthday of yours.
Credulous news articles declaring all bacon will disappear from California (sure) when the reality is we'll have to pay a little more for farmers to treat their animals a little better. Big whoop.
Sometimes I'll ask for one soft drink and they'll say "Sorry, we only have other soft drink, is that okay?" and I'll fall down laughing at the thought of brand allegiance to a sugar water. Honestly, you could punch me in the face and I'd probably be fine with it. I'm flexible.
He may never check his Twitter to find this compliment, but those @petercmusic albums are really very good. Would recommend.
I hope I never make so much money that everyone around me is terrified to tell me that I look dumb in a cowboy hat.
I've walked 500 miles this year, bit by bit. But I wouldn't walk 500 more to fall down at your door unless I was specifically invited. And probably not even then.
I've been listening to more @jasoneady the past couple days and have decided that you should do the same.
If you want a home repair that really earns you great acclaim within the household, get the AC unit working again on a hot day. The gratitude of desperate, sweaty people for a $13 part.
One skill I could work on is not bugging my eyes out and laughing confusedly whenever someone asks if I'm married. "Sorry, my mistake. Let's start over. This time, notice all the off-putting personal qualities that make your next question superfluous."
I started walking a particular route to greet a particular cat, and now she's ghosting me. I apologize for whatever I have done to offend you, Mimi the sidewalk calico.
Saying that you'll stop playing Guy Clark songs as soon as one you don't like comes on is a fool's errand.
A kid yelled out that I looked like an online person. I looked up the online person in question and did not end up feeling insulted. Small miracles.
I would like to assure everyone that I will not let the success of today's tweet go to my head.
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