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People say I'm a great guy because I treat everyone as my equal and also slightly respect the lowly peasants
*someone sees me slightly trip over myself* *I launch into an elegant backflip as I slowly glide out of the 8th floor window to my death*
*girl asks me out* Sorry I only date girls in the afterlife, I say as I blow my brains out with a .44 Magnum
I'm not prejudice I just thought I'd obliterate that gypsy before she placed a curse on my whole family
HEADLINE: dishonest man wishes self esteem was as inflated as his sex doll
*tells elegant and concise joke, which is both relatable and ridiculous* *No one laughs* Me: cmon guys that was an absolute hum dinger
Me: avocado? More like avocadont haha Me: As the nights get shorter I crave the sweet release of death, don't spare me I've already died
Me: you call that a swing, this is a swing *I swing too hard the weight of the golf club takes launches me into sun*
Me: aww look at that cute baby *Goes to pick it up* *Is actually high voltage electrical wires*
Don't wana brag but I can 100% a song on guitar hero whilst simultaneously ploughing your girlfriend whom you once trusted
Zookeeper: this animal is an endangered giant panda Me: I'll punch it the fuck out
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