Poorbridge Horoscopes

Libra. While reading Proust's In Search of Lost Time, you'll suddenly remember the discussion you had with partner last month about reading at the bridge table and how it interfered severely with your declarer play.

Virgo. On a camping trip in Scotland you will be overawed by the blackness of the night. The lack of artificial light seems like a metaphor for how you should play bridge, and you vow to make changes. You will then go down after missing the 4-4 heart fit on the 1NT-3NT auction.

Leo. Eating fruit at the bridge table is not a bad thing in general -- it can be a quick source of energy and helps keep your blood sugar up for maximum concentration. Maybe the watermelon wasn't such a good idea, though?

Cancer. The day-dreaming at work really must stop. You'll never win the Gold Cup with a double squeeze on the last board of the final. Think smaller. Aim to get through a session at the club without playing off a cold game first. That's a worthy goal for the next few years.

Gemini. A good-looking exchange student from Poland turned up at the club tonight and you have arranged to have a game next Wednesday. Perhaps, in hindsight, telling them you were an expert at Polish Club wasn't such a good idea — you have a lot of reading to do in the next week.

Taurus. Why is it that all the best partners are taken? I'm a way better player than them; can't their partner see that? Don't fall into this kind of toxic thinking. You need to start seeing bridge players as people who can make their own decisions, not as prizes to try and win.

Aries. Tonight, Mrs McKidney will play a tight 3NT perfectly against you. She'll finesse into the safe hand, strip your winners and throw you in to lead a club. It's all a fluke, of course, but she's 91 and we'll be very cross if you don't say a hearty "well done". And mean it.

Pisces. It hurts to think that you could have won the match on Monday if only that rubbish slam your opponents bid hadn't made. Take your mind off the injustice by repeating to yourself: "slams that require one finesse will make half the time". There, isn't that better?

Aquarius. You're happy, vibrant, mentally focused and feeling good about your bridge game and life in general. A pity, then, that you're visiting your parents for two weeks, 100 miles from the nearest bridge club. Now, where was that chess set?

Capricorn. No one at the club is talking to you at the moment, and you can't work out why. You need a new strategy. Perhaps you could stop violently abusing your partner and opponents at the table every other board; that might just be crazy enough to work.

Sagittarius. Your New Year's Resolution of being more friendly at the bridge table and greeting your opponents by name will meet an unexpected hurdle tonight as you sit down to face Jerz Skrzypczak.

Scorpio. Your search for a new partner will reach a watershed on Tuesday when you realise that your standards are just too high: a player who knows how to use Stayman and transfers properly wouldn't want to play with you.

Libra. You will be cheered to see a new pair at the club. Don't discuss the previous board as they sit down, fail to say hello and then proceed to tell them how they should have played the hand at the end of the first board. You won't come across as clever or good at bridge.

Virgo. Live and learn. But what if you fail to learn? I mean, it's been about eight years since you learned to play and yet you still make the same mistakes over and over. So for you it's really live and don't learn.

Leo. Your bridge partner will walk off with someone else this week and you will never play with her again. Five years of playing together, gone. Now, is this more or less devastating than your divorce?

Cancer. Today is a horoscope free day. This is mostly a sop to the pesky rationalists, with their infuriating need to base their bridge decisions on evidence and reason, rather than what a twitter account tells them.

Gemini. Times change. Technology and attitudes move on and so should the game of bridge. If, for example, your club uses electronic scoring machines, you shouldn't also fill in travellers for no earthly reason.

Taurus. You must learn to judge partner's bidding "in context". For example, the context of board 21 next Thursday will be three pints, several disasters behind you, and vulnerable opponents. The soundness of her overcalls in this context are different from other situations.

Aries. Explaining your partner's bids to confused opponents would be much easier if you weren't so confused about his bids yourself. Just explain what your agreements are, including in your statement that you have implicitly agreed to be confused yourself.

Pisces. Demotion to the club second team for the Sunday league match will annoy you. You will feel better when the first team lose, though, knowing that they should have picked you all along. There wasn't much you could do about the second team's 15-5 defeat anyway.