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If I see you riding a hover board I'm sure there is a 90% chance your parent ride a rascal scooter
"After the first half we were feeling a little deflated but we pumped ourselves up and got things going." -Tom Brady. #TomBrady #SuperBowl
Hey @theCHIVE how about a "mind the gap" with Cubbie blue. Winning run was through the gap and my Reg one is getting worn out. Let me know!
Has there ever been a porno made called Teenage Nudist Ninja Squirters. If not, there should be
Toronto vs. Cleveland in a semi-final for the second time this year. This Cleveland team doesn't have Lebron though! #GoJays
I'm getting the impression that @MLB doesn't like Canada. 2 afternoon games followed by game 3 up against NFL #ALDS
Everything's bigger in Texas! Like that fucking loss! HUGE! #ALDS
So, When your wife is angry with you "your ass looks phat in those jeans" sounds a lot like "your ass looks fat in those jeans" #marriedlife
When I judge a book by its cover, I'm right 90% of the time. That's pretty good odds. Why would I stop?
You're like a bottle of fine wine. If I take off your top, I'm probably going to finish you. #pickupline
Sometimes I don't drink scotch for a while then I drink scotch and wonder why I havent drank for a while #Glenlivet
Said "sorry about your wait" to 4 large ladies at a restaurant. Pretty sure they heard "sorry about your weight" #WhyDidISayThat
It turns out those two cops weren't playing #Pokemon go. I miss heard them, they were trying to catch "Jamal."
When trying to console a friend recently diagnosed with HIV, it is not advised to use the phrase "stay positive."
I have never been so excited to see a friend that I need to scream. What must that kind of excitement be like #woogirls
#jeffbanister #texasrangers if you throw enough shit at a wall some is bound to stick
"Yes sir you wanted to see the manager?" "Ya there are too many flies out here on the patio." "Sorry?" O_o
Fighting for the freedom, laws and rights of this country doesn't mean you get to disregard the laws when you are in this country
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