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Imagine what the world would be like if MLK had social media, and the Kardashians didn’t.
Can we please just pause for a minute and respect how well Beverly D'Angelo wore that blouse in Christmas Vacation.
Happy Mother’s Day and everything but, like I told my kids, they wouldn’t even have a mother if it wasn’t for me.
Just explained to my kids that 50% of athletics is mental, 78% is physical conditioning, and math doesn’t matter. I should probably coach professionally.
If a basketball player fell in the woods, and no one was around to help them up, are they still just laying there?
Canadian Olympic Curling is fun! Drink 1 when they say “Eh” 2 for “Aboot” and triple up for “Sorry”.
On my third trip to the garbage to read how long to cook these nuggets
Banana peppers are good with pretty much anything. Not sex though. That’s a mistake I will not make again.
So we can all agree the grinch’s mom was into some weird sex stuff right?
I love when the toilet seat is still warm. It makes my experience at the airport so much better.
I haven’t been this happy about a meal since the last time I had popcorn and bourbon for dinner.
Omicron sounds like something that we should ask the Autobots to take care of
I am thankful for family, friends, health and a particular cross eyed Lithuanian stripper named Jo-Jo.
Drinking in the bathtub on a Saturday morning is not the most embarrassing thing that I have done so far this weekend.
Is it weird that, after 20 years of marriage, I’m turned on watching my wife clean pumpkin seeds, or do I now have a weird fetish?
Dr: how are you doing with the new diet I put you on? Me: *squeezing packet of Arby's sauce into water bottle like it's Crystal Lite* can't complain
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