The only thing that makes being human tolerable is going into a dark room, curling up into fetal position, and being unconscious for 8 hours a day.
Bones healing stronger after they break is like when your mom does a double knot when trying your shoes. Your body is like “there. Because you’re a clumsy f**k.”
My Mom always says “homemade gifts are the best.” Hope she enjoys the meth.
I entered a church and didn't burst into flames so I guess you could say I'm making progress.
The incredibles is the best superhero movie Disney has ever made don't @ me
The fact that socks work on both feet is underrated.
I wish the billboard of me with the giant penis on my forehead was graffiti.
When you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment. But, when you transport something by ship, it’s call cargo.
After eight years, how come the zombies don't, like, biodegrade?
Best. Birthday. Ever. Best. Wife. Ever. Surprise Pee Wee Breakfast!!
I basically just run off of pettiness and coffee. #IsThisWhatYour20sAreLike
When I try to picture the volume of a gallon in my head, it’s in the shape of a milk jug, including the handle.
There are 7 billion different versions of today.
I don't own Apple products because I have self-respect. #SorryNotSorry
How does the the human brain ignore the second “the”
I mean, if the relationship can't survive the long term, why on earth would it be worth my time and energy for the short term?
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- 1. #911onABC N/A
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