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My goal in life is to love The Lord as much as Pentecostals love altar calls.
I'm not @MatthewSCoker, but he would be a spooky Halloween costume. The horrible bad jokes would scare the children.
In Heaven, the baristas always spell your name right.
Nothing says "non-denominational" like gluten free communion bread
Dropped the tray of juice during communion so I think I'm going to find a new church.
Happiest place on earth: youth group lockout at 8PM Worst place on earth: youth group lockout at 5AM
Fact: God won't hear your youth group's prayer if you're not all holding hands.
You know who else would steal tweets, @BackRowBeliever? Satan, that's who.
Our church gives out free bumper stickers to its members. I would put one on my car, but then I'd have to stop driving like a maniac.
My candle went out at the Christmas Eve service tonight. Is this a sign?
The lighting in the sanctuary is terrible for selfies. #nondenomproblems
Black Friday is not to be confused with Good Friday. Even though both provide great savings.
When you get a notification on your phone and think you have friends but it's just the Bible App<<<
I thought this was the time change that gave me an excuse to be late to church. Dang it.
Oh hey boy, did you fall from Heaven? Because so did Satan.
Our youth pastor is trying to grow a beard. Key word: trying.
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