Abby Heugel
@AbbyHasIssues
Writer. Editor. Eater of green things from the ground. http://facebook.com/abbyhasissues
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I've deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Me: I’m so comfortable right now that nothing can ruin this moment. Bladder: Hi.
Do you rinse out and reuse the same Ziploc bag 17 times? Bring in all the grocery bags in one trip because you refuse to make two and count it as strength training? Of course you do. So I wrote this just for you. provokedmagazine.com/good-enough-ho…
My neighbors already have their Christmas tree up, so naturally I called the police.
In a murder mystery, I’d like to believe I’d be the detective, but in reality, I’d probably be the extra character drinking champagne in the dining room, shouting, “Isn’t this fun?” right before I got hit over the head with a candlestick.
I'm a work in progress that hasn't made much progress.
"Sorry. Can't. It's already dark out." - Me, every night from now until about mid-May.
If you remember Jello Pudding Pops, orgasmic shampoo, and "Be Kind, Rewind," this is for you. Happy Halloween. You're old. 🎃 provokedmagazine.com/trick-or-treat…
There are people who spend hours carving pumpkins and I just ate a banana because I didn't want to cut up an apple.
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
Therapist: It seems like you have a problem with projecting your feelings onto others. Me: No, I don’t. You’re the one with the problem.
It’s crazy that hunting and gathering were separate jobs. Like, you’re already in the woods. You can’t grab some berries?
When I was a kid, we didn't have parking lot "Trunk or Treats." We put our costumes on over snow suits and walked miles in rain, snow, and wind to earn pillowcases full of chocolate and Pixy Stix we would mainline like heroin addicts.
Nothing triggers my memory of what I need from the store quite like driving home away from the store.
If you've ever been told to arrive at your appointment 15 minutes early so you can fill out the same forms you filled out online and then wait 45 more minutes for the doctor to actually see you, I wrote this for you. provokedmagazine.com/my-body-my-tem…
I’m actually really fun and outgoing when I’ve had nine hours of sleep, three meals, two snacks, tea, and am not required to leave the house, wear real pants, or talk to anyone for more than 10 minutes.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck. Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
It only takes one person driving slow in the left lane to shatter any illusion that I’m actually a good person.
6:00 PM in the summer: The night is young! Let's stay outside for hours! 6:00 PM in the fall: Well it's dark, so I guess I'll get ready for bed now.
Pulling my phone up off the floor by the phone charger is the closest I’ll ever come to fishing.
I get annoyed when it takes longer than five seconds for a website to load on my phone like I didn't grow up dropping a roll of film off at the store and waiting five days to get pictures back.
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