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Sometimes people want to be so difficult. I was at McD’s and this lady had someone on speaker to tell the clerk their order and it was a huge struggle to understand what they wanted. Then by the end of it it turns out they just wanted a junior chicken. #comedy
If you’re ever feeling down, just be thankful you don’t have a weird chin. And if you do have a weird chin then I can’t speak to you without staring at it sorry. #Comedy #jokes #loveyourself
I knew i was never going to college early on. Sometimes you have to be honest with yourself, cause when i realized stereotypes didn't mean different types of stereos, I knew i wasn't cut out for higher education. #Comedy #Jokes #RadioShack
Charles Manson once called Ted Bundy a poop butt. Which made me realize if Charles Manson doesn't need to swear then neither do I! Instead I will be taking LSD and misinterpreting the Beatles music. #Comedy #Jokes #BeatlesMania
4th overtime, no look, over the head pass for the win. What a play. @UnnecRoughness
All pain is a result of wishing things were different than they are. Hoping. Wanting. Wishing. That doesn’t mean you can’t try to change things - only that the “trying” becomes an expression of self perfection. Don’t change the world, change yourself.
I signed up for a Goodlife membership once and the trainer said if I get 10 people to sign up, they would give me a free water bottle. How can you ask that of someone? I don't even know 10 people that I hate that much. #Comedy #Jokes #goodlife
I once was in Toronto and a dude was walking down the street wearing priest robes, a toque, a winter jacket and holding a candle stick. So either this guy was just a chilly church minister or Toronto is a level on fortnite. #Comedy #jokes #Toronto
When you work for yourself, it’s a dopamine desert. You get far fewer: - emails - accolades - “good jobs” Because you’re not working for a boss, you’re working for the market. And the market just buys what it needs and moves on.
I already knew Kim and Pete broke up because Alex Jones’s lawyer sent me their text messages.
St. Albert just put up 2 roundabouts, whyyyyy 1. Young folks--- learn 2. Old folks-- re- learn
It's crazy the things you can buy at airports. No item is too big or extravagant to be sold at an airport. "Oh shoot, honey I forgot the car at home! Oh nevermind we can just grab a buggati right here before we board, perfect!" #Comedy #Jokes #jokeoftheday
You ever go to the bathroom and moisturize your hands with lotion but then can't open the door knob cause your hands are slippery and don't you don't call out to anyone cause you're embarrassed? Yea me neither. #comedy #jokes #Aveeno
It’s better to rest than waste energy on what’s not important. If anyone can do it, it’s not important.
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Kid once walked up to my dad and finger gunned him. He asked whats that about, he said "you're dead." My dad said I've been married for 32 years... I died a long time ago. @mctada #comedy #jokes
It’s so much easier to stay in shape than get in shape. It’s so much easier to keep writing than start writing. It’s so much easier to keep eating well than start eating well. Momentum is everything. If you get it, don’t let it go.
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