Sharing a laugh with you, clapping you on the back and saying you're "one of the good ones", and dying of a heart attack before you can find out what kind of bigotry I was harboring about you
what's this? the funny cartoon I'm watching just got serious about depression. But it's just a silly cartoon! Could it be more? Let's keep watching
it's painfully obvious that this dude could have you back with one text
I lied. being single is fun. You were not the loml. I love not having my day ruined at 7am. I love not arguing. I love being happy. I love living just for me.
If celebrities had to refer to themselves by my mom's memory of their names
trying to wipe the little bits of toilet paper off your tongue really quick before she sees because she might get self conscious and not let you do it anymore
the birthmark on my ass looks like the left half of homer Simpson's face. My list of "must haves" in a date is as short as it is unattainable
Those who turn down the TV when I order food receive the most jewels in their crowns in heaven
i love women and maybe could be a bisexual but only the reverence and gratitude of a truly lonely and disempowered man can genuinely get me off
you think you're talking to a real man and then he whips out some pretentious effeminate French words "Ooh look at me I'm in the Marine corps"
you're a streetwise private detective but it's 2025 and it's not raining and your office is in a strip mall in a city of 40,000 people
your stepmom is nice but why does she know everything about every serial killer
chewing up a couple of my heart pills and washing them down with my flask of whiskey and immediately throwing up and getting a Capri sun
The mona lisa was nice but imagine if they remade it with a camera for modern audiences. and they should make the original impossible to find.
A classic symptom of ADHD is when coffee affects you or doesn't affect you. This is so me!
I swear my dog has figured out that when he smells vodka on my breath all of the rules are out the window. He connected the dots and realized a certain odor was in the air every time he was allowed to sleep on the couch or had an entire sandwich prepared for him.
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