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I would love to have a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted. #truth
You know nothing about a woman until she’s drunk and mad at you. #truth
I'm jealous of my parents because I will never have a kid as cool as theirs. #truth
Dear Liver: it's Friday, sorry little man. #wishyouallthebest #bestrong
That annoying moment when you're in a restaurant, and you see your food coming, then the waiter decides delivers the food to another table.
My neighbors liked my music so much that they invited the cops over to listen.
What do a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girl all have in common? None of the dummies were smart enough to take it out in time.
3 words, 8 letters that leads you to instant popularity: 'I HAVE GUM'. #truth
During a phone at 3am: "Are you asleep?" "No, I'm skydiving."
The walk of shame when you have to go pick up something you tried to shoot into the trashcan but missed. #truth #walkofshame
When food falls on the floor. Little Germs: Let's get it! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds. #truth #holdtight
My brain: "Hey, it's been 30 seconds, go check your phone again." #truth
Snuck a nice Mars bar into work...through my stomach. #truth
If I die today, please someone clear my browser history. #truth #BallofShame
A guy came to the door and asked if I could donate to the local school's new pool. I came back with a glass of water. Is that wrong?
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