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Don't stand too close to heater, babe. Plastic melts.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my brain the most.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I want a second opinion. He said, okay. You're ugly, too.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
A man in love is incomplete until he got married. Then he's finished.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting the bull not to attack u because u are a vegetarian.
He: Can we be more than friends. Me: Sure. Of course, you can be my brotha.
If you're a Muslim and you have a friend across the plane named Jack, do not greet him. You can get arrested for simply saying "Hi Jack".
You can trust me. I'm not a fucking hashtag. I won't tell the world what's trending!
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