Malcolm Nicholas
@TheMalHal
actor/comedian/semi-occasional Tweeter
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Could Incubus's "Pardon Me" be the most politely named rock song ever? Right up there with the Megadeath classic "Thank You Kindly"
Time for my annual "🎵Do you remember, the rent that is due, in Spetember?🎵" note when I transfer my rent #September1st #earthwindandfire
"Trump might not have been good at that President thing", new book says
Are the cars in the Fast&Furious franchise made out of foam? Or mattresses? So many people fall from buildings, only to be "caught" and land softly on...a car? And they're fine! #F9
I've started listening to podcasts on 2x speed. And now conversations with people in real life talking at normal speed are way too slow for me.
My girlfriend will know I've been replaced by a cyborg the day I actually put the scissors away in the right kitchen drawer
Ah its that's time of the year when TaxAct and TurboTax strongly compete for my return business with aggressive email campaigns
But what about all the tweets he had that DIDN'T end in attempted violent government takeovers? Poor guy can't catch a break
Man, good thing that angry mob didnt desecrate a revered Confederate statue! They'd be in BIG trouble then
How many $10 monthly gym memberships did Planet Fitness have to sell to afford sponsoring ALL of #NewYearsEve in Times Square??
I can't decide if there's no pressure on #2021, or all the pressure there's ever been on a year? Can it be both? #NewYears
Man: You cheated on me! Woman: What? No, I'd never-- Man: I have proof! Woman: Really? What? Man: Uhhh....give me like, an infinite amount of time? I'll bully someone into saying they saw-- Woman: But you said you have proof now. Man: ...I need a terrible lawyer. #Election2020
Nov 3rd: "On Election night, we must know a winner! I mean why won't the media declare that I won?" Nov 7th: "The media doesnt decide who wins..." #Election2020
Do you think vendors who before this year sold knock-off generic $5 "Washington Football Team" shirts now can't sell them because it's suddenly officially licensed merchandise? #washingtonfootballteam #NFL
Is there ANY chance #Trump thinks this #CognitiveTest is the SAT? Clearly he doesn't know what the SAT looks like. This would explain why he's bragging so much, he thinks he just got a 1600!
Huey Lewis's lyric in Hip To Be Square: "I'm working out 'most everyday..." Dude, you totally could've said 'everyday'. No one would call you on it. But Huey's just honest like that
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