Dawn Hennleigh
@TheThirdEncore
My dad wore the ugliest wig he could find because he wanted people to think, "That's gotta be real. No one in their right mind would wear a toupee like that!"
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It's been thundering all night without a single drop of rain and this just proves that Stevie Nicks is full of shit.
My attempt at small talk tonight with the checkout woman at the grocery store began with "The last time I saw you, you were in a onesie". Then I added, "A ONESIE!" as I grabbed my bags and walked out backwards.
Helena Bonham Carter is probably hiding under your bed right now.
Mr. Peanut doesn't know anything about Nebraska. You know what Nebraska would really love to do? Get stoned!
I just left a Zoom call after saying, "From this point forward, we'll always know who is Sissy and who is Pam". My only regret is not hanging on to see everyone's reaction, but a mic drop is a mic drop.
"(Sighs) I don't know what happened to the Catholic Church." - My mom, after I told her Jude Law sleeps with Diane Keaton in the Young Pope
You fuckers finally went and did it. You killed Florence Henderson.
Sorry, but including the dude who played Carrie's dad on Homeland does not make up for forgetting Joan Rivers & Jan Hooks. #Oscars2015
That's the last time I listen to J. K. Simmons. I just called my dad and he told me I'm adopted. #Oscars2015
Thanks J. K. Simmons. I just called my mom and she told me I'm going to die alone. #Oscars2015
Great. This means we all have to get Farmer's Insurance now. #Oscars2015
Everyone's hoping Eddie Murphy does a make good on that Cosby joke he was supposed to do last week. #Oscars2015
I got news for everyone. Guess who's dressed as one of those Stormtroopers? Cosby. #Oscars
Just signed up for Nationwide Insurance and now my parents are divorced.
Nationwide Insurance just DM'd me and said I'm going to die alone.
"She's been dead to me for years. For YEARS!" - My mom, about Betty White (I'm probably adopted)
Finally told my mom I lost my virginity to Bill Belichick and she just looked at me like she didn't already know.
Many people my age are getting into hard music and speed cars. Want to know what I'm getting into? Heaven, because of my sweet soul. Idiots
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