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My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
The problem? Thrift stores find the prices of all their merchandise online, making it less likely an amazing deal slips through the cracks. The plan? A chain of thrift stores staffed entirely by convicted pedophiles who have been legally banned from using the internet
i'm in line for a churro
at the grocery store I let a guy cut in line because he had one item, he then answered a work call and went full 1980s wallstreet nasty guy. He was loudly like, "I'm going to fuck them in the ass," and "they want to fuck me in the ass, but it's not gonna happen"
my tax strategy is to go to a website i've never heard of before, enter all my most sensitive information, then hit the 'continue' button until i either get $1300 or go to jail
It sucks that you have to “get ready for bed” right before going to bed. I wish I could brush my teeth and wash my face at like 6pm and then just snack and watch movies til I fuckin drop
its amazing how chatgpt knows everything about subjects I know nothing about, but is wrong like 40% of the time about things im an expert on. not going to think about this any further
You should be able to ask for other jurors to be dismissed from the juror pool. I pulled jury duty today and a guy next to me was watching The Dark Knight on his phone at 8am
I used to have a coworker with three DUIs. Once we got beers after the warehouse closed and after a few he was like, “man, you know what you should do? Let me drive your car.”
its wild how much local LA news is fixated on the threat of looting even though it was like single digit arrests. if you're looking for a juicy story about loss of personal property, might i suggest the devastating inferno
i shouldn't have to wash the colander after making pasta. they were literally just in boiling water, they're the cleanest thing in the house
if you told me the story of Jesus for the first time, when you got to the crucifixion i would be certain that he was going to use his powers as a carpenter to get out of it. that’s why it must have been included
My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone
I hate when a character in a movie chastises someone by saying “but this isn’t the movies, it’s real life.” you are so fucking wrong you dumbass
guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”
“don’t get high off your own supply” that is definitely not the type of drug dealer I would be. if I smoke a little crack, that just means I can stay up all night you guessed it, selling more crack
it’s so annoying when Europeans act like Americans are stupid because we don’t know European history. Actually we’re stupid because we don’t know American history
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