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Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Spotted in the wild. One of my all time favorite cars
Fiddle-dee-dee! That will require a tetanus shot...
Even as a kid with relatively little experience observing politicians, I thought Mayor McCheese seemed corrupt AF.
The best way to honor a dead pet is to take revenge on the god that made their lives so short.
[me when the lady at a yard sale tells me the $35 treadmill doesn’t go that fast anymore] that’s ok it’s for a cat
I only eat off the blade of a knife
When Gatorade was first invented in 1965, each bottle contained an entire liquified alligator.
Who on the ground getting their roll on
Introducing myself as Brett Favre, nobody checks
[falconry lesson] Here's your glove, here's your bird. Come back with both.
How to tell good art. Is there a flower in it? Is someone holding it? Does the flower look sad?
This is everything needed to make a 100k writing books [tosses you a dictionary]
You love the cozy armchair in your doctor's waiting room. What's keeping you from making an offer? Only your own fear.
[first day as a pirate] *looking at treasure map* ten marks the spot
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