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Someone asked me if my wife is my daughter today so I’d say I feel pretty good about how I’m aging physically.
Shameless plea: Taking my wife & daughter to their first @utahjazz game Friday. They’re from Bolivia and I got them hooked when we lived in South America. Now we’re here and beyond excited for their first game. Anyone have any connections to make it a special night? 🙏 #TakeNote
Hey @Snapchat, another 1,000 days and still no commemorative plaque or recognition? @jauntydog
Hey @Snapchat, so what happens now? Do we get a commemorative plaque or some gift cards or something?
Building shelves in the garage today. Green Day’s ‘Time Of Your Life’ began playing and I got a splinter and dropped an F bomb at the exact same moment AND tone as Billy Joe Armstrong when he goofs up at the beginning of the song. I’m convinced we’re living in a simulation.
*Puts F-1 Trillion by @PostMalone on repeat for the one trillionth time*
We brought an extra souvenir back with us from Bolivia and she’ll be joining our family this Christmas. 👶🏻
Brief, to the point, and professional. The ideal scam or wrong number text message.
I never thought I’d turn into the type of old man who was outside at 6:30 am, excited setting up new sprinklers but here we are.
CELTICS ARE THE CHAMPS 🍀🏆
Caitlin Clark and Joey Chestnut should hold their own 1-1 competition after being left out of their respective sports main events this summer. ⭐️ FIRST TO 50 ⭐️ Joey eating hotdogs and Caitlin shooting 3’s. Who would win?
My mom has a friend who took a 23andMe test to find out where her ancestors are from and in doing so learned that her father is not actually her father. I feel like they should do a marketing campaign around this type of outcome.
Paid for an exit row. Not for the leg room - but because I would love to help and assist in the rare chance there is an emergency 🫡
*my wife smelling a skunk for the first time in her life as we drive down the road* “Oh my gosh, did you just fart?!”
I can now cross “spend a night in the hospital after suffering a poisonous scorpion sting while in the shower” off my South American bucket list. 🇧🇴✔️
A few minutes getting weird algorithm recommendations and my confidence that I could clean up the hooves on a neglected horse is sky high
I've never chain-smoked cigarettes, but I have tired to sing the high parts of Aerosmith's Dream On and I feel like that has done the just as much damage to my throat.
Pressing skip every time White Christmas comes on the mix because it’s not even something my imagination can comprehend. ☀️
United States Тренды
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