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(pretend I tweeted this 10 years ago) what idiot called it pig slop and not shoatmeal
I’ve decided to make a sequel to 12 angry men, where I expand the scope. I call it, “1200 angry baby einsteins”
trick to being alive: just let your neurons do all the work while your soul sits back and watches contentedly
she got that flowers for algernon pussy. she got that bridge to terabithia pussy. she got that grave of the fireflies pussy
There’s a long line at an ice cream parlor and a nervous guy is asking “can you please let me cut, I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die! Please!” Eventually he gets to the front and gets his ice cream and is about to lick it when he immediately falls down dead
When I got slimed on nickelodian they had to restrain me to keep me from slurping it all up
me when I see it’s raining: dear me, the outroom is positively SOPPING 😍
space is real, but only until the edge of the milky way. all the other galaxies are just images painted on the inside of a large sphere. to believe otherwise would be too ontologically costly
in some sense, god is always pointing a gun at you. therefore it is always justified to kill god in self defense
my superpower is that I have eleven different noses, which allows me to smell things with 20% greater accuracy
I think that if the universe was destroyed, I would continue to exist. But some of you aren’t ready to hear this
it’s called plumbing because whenever you finish unclogging a pipe you have to say “what a good boy am I”
if you ever feel anxious, just remember that jeffrey epstein is in heaven, getting tortured by Jesus Christ💞
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