soothe_operator's profile picture. Don't hate me cause im beautiful. Hate me because I stole your wallet.

Soothe Operator

@soothe_operator

Don't hate me cause im beautiful. Hate me because I stole your wallet.

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Did you know that in the original Gregorian Calendar the months had different names? January was Greg February was Ian March was Greg April was Ian May was Greg June was also Greg July was Ian August was Greg September was Ian October was Ian November was Ian December was Greg


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If this were true I would have unleashed a legion of demonic arch-dukes ten minutes after seeing TRADING PLACES.

Daniel Adams, speaking today at a conference hosted by hate-preacher Greg Locke, said that masturbation opens a portal to demons. Also, um, breaking news: "If you masturbate long enough, the thing you're imagining becomes in the flesh."



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Some of us r above average 👍🏽

이 트윗은 더 이상 사용할 수 없습니다.

Actually this reminds me of my own gripe: Why is it that I have this many train/tram emotes: 🚄🚅🚆🚇🚈🚊🚝🚞 But I can't even get ONE mirrored flex arm alternative for my 💪? 💪😠💪 DOES THIS LOOK RIGHT, TO YOU??

Checkmarks are so toxic, we should get rid of them on all platforms!



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From this month, millions of Australians will see the biggest increase to their pension in 30 years.


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If you haven't watched my special "Josh Sneed: Live in the Dessert", here's a review. And if you can't trust the words of @wetworkclothes, who can you trust? Watch it here and help me get to 5 million views: youtu.be/Q-C9mPu7r_4

JoshSneed's tweet card. Life's better when you're fat. Josh Sneed - Full Special

youtube.com

YouTube

Life's better when you're fat. Josh Sneed - Full Special

Too many reasons to watch & rewatch it but here's a few: -It's joke-boom joke-boom, no filler, 100% hilarious🔥 the whole time. -It's subversive but 100% relatable, if you like to laugh at yourself and observe people around you. -It's fun & clean & watchable with kids. Loved it!



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she still hasn't seen it and i've said nothing. i'm so excited

wife left me alone in the house for one entire day i made some home improvements while she was gone

letsgameitout's tweet image. wife left me alone in the house for one entire day

i made some home improvements while she was gone


This is the kind of person my predictive text thinks I am. Impressively accurate. 😐

soothe_operator's tweet image. This is the kind of person my predictive text thinks I am. Impressively accurate. 😐

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My comedy special “Josh Sneed: Live in the Dessert” just passed 4 MILLION views on YouTube. Watch it for free with someone you love: youtu.be/Q-C9mPu7r_4


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I’m in beautiful Uppsala in Sweden. Sure, you fly into Stockholm, but you want to get to where the action is…Uppsala.

jimmycarr's tweet image. I’m in beautiful Uppsala in Sweden. Sure, you fly into Stockholm, but you want to get to where the action is…Uppsala.

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This August it’ll be a year since we lost Sean. So I’m walking 100 miles of the South West Coast Path which Sean loved, with Sean’s family and friends to share stories and to raise funds for @macmillancancer . Any donations hugely appreciated thanks. justgiving.com/walkforseanlock


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What the Andromeda galaxy would look like from earth if it was a bit brighter. More:cutt.ly/SY8LpFT

konstructivizm's tweet image. What the Andromeda galaxy would look like from earth if it was a bit brighter.
More:cutt.ly/SY8LpFT

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If this gets 100+ comments, 100+ retweets, and 100+ likes, I will tattoo "Nemr, Lord of Pants" somewhere on my body. @nemrcomedy


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