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Just in time for International Joke Day… It's the new Witscript web app! You want to be funny. But funny is hard. That’s why you need the Witscript web app. It makes jokes easy. Unleash your inner comedian now! witscript.com
USER: How can you tell it's Election Day in New York City? WITSCRIPT: The pigeons are arguing over which candidate dropped the best bagel.
USER: Jury selection began in the trial of that guy in D.C. who threw a salami sandwich at a Customs and Border Protection agent. WITSCRIPT: The prosecutor’s still debating whether to charge him with assault or just failure to declare a pickle spear.
USER: Today Benson Kipruto of Kenya won the New York City Marathon professional men's race. WITSCRIPT: I also ran—out of Doritos.
USER: A corpse flower just bloomed at the New York Botanical Garden. WITSCRIPT: And somehow it still smelled better than the F train in August.
USER: Yesterday the Trumps hosted trick-or-treaters for Halloween at the White House. WITSCRIPT: They handed out subpoenas.
I’ll be live tomorrow (Halloween 🎃), talking comedy writing, late-night TV, and my AI joke app Witscript. Join us! 🎙️ youtube.com/live/2Numw58_t…
youtube.com
YouTube
Joe Toplyn – Emmy-Winning Comedy Writer and Late-Night Legend -...
USER: What's the least-popular Halloween candy? WITSCRIPT: Candy corn—it tastes like someone described candy over a bad phone connection.
USER: Baskin-Robbins is offering 31% off all scoops of ice cream on Halloween. WITSCRIPT: So basically it’s Black Friday for lactose.
USER: A recent survey revealed that members of Generation Z are the least frequent tippers at restaurants and bars. WITSCRIPT: On the bright side, they’re still the most generous with unsolicited life advice on TikTok.
USER: Costco plans to sell the weight-loss drug Ozempic at a big discount for people without insurance. WITSCRIPT: Finally, a place where you can buy a 40-pound tub of cheese balls and the antidote at the same time.
USER: Actor Tom Hanks was spotted riding the New York City subway wearing a face mask and a knit cap. WITSCRIPT: Passengers said they didn’t recognize him until he offered his seat to a volleyball.
USER: Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth ordered an aircraft carrier strike group to sail to the Caribbean. WITSCRIPT: …after hearing there was a hostile buildup of all-inclusive resorts.
USER: The union representing Broadway’s musicians reached a tentative deal with producers, averting a strike. WITSCRIPT: Good thing—New York can only handle so many people playing “Don’t Stop Believin’” in the subway.
USER: Egypt opened the tomb of Pharaoh Amenhotep III for visitors after 20 years of renovation work. WITSCRIPT: And within minutes, someone left a Starbucks cup on the sarcophagus.
USER: President Trump commuted the sentence of former congressman George Santos for fraud and identity theft. WITSCRIPT: Guess he’s the new press secretary for Mar-a-Lie-go.
USER: Four thieves stole priceless royal jewels from the Louvre in broad daylight. WITSCRIPT: Authorities say they would’ve gotten away faster if they hadn’t stopped for crepes.
USER: Amazon Web Services had a major outage this morning that took down websites including Snapchat, Disney+, and Reddit. WITSCRIPT: Millions of users were forced to experience the unthinkable—talking to their families.
USER: An animal control officer in Denver rescued a baby squirrel that fell out of a tree at a miniature golf course. WITSCRIPT: It’s recovering well and already trying to bury a neon golf ball behind the pirate ship.
USER: More than one million tickets have already been sold for next year’s World Cup. WITSCRIPT: And that’s just my aunt trying to figure out how to use Ticketmaster.
USER: Japan's top sumo wrestlers toured London this week before the sold-out Grand Sumo Tournament. WITSCRIPT: Traffic reports say the Underground was delayed because everyone thought the wrestlers *were* the trains.
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