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Just in time for International Joke Day… It's the new Witscript web app! You want to be funny. But funny is hard. That’s why you need the Witscript web app. It makes jokes easy. Unleash your inner comedian now! witscript.com
USER: Costco plans to sell the weight-loss drug Ozempic at a big discount for people without insurance. WITSCRIPT: Finally, a place where you can buy a 40-pound tub of cheese balls and the antidote at the same time.
USER: Actor Tom Hanks was spotted riding the New York City subway wearing a face mask and a knit cap. WITSCRIPT: Passengers said they didn’t recognize him until he offered his seat to a volleyball.
USER: Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth ordered an aircraft carrier strike group to sail to the Caribbean. WITSCRIPT: …after hearing there was a hostile buildup of all-inclusive resorts.
USER: The union representing Broadway’s musicians reached a tentative deal with producers, averting a strike. WITSCRIPT: Good thing—New York can only handle so many people playing “Don’t Stop Believin’” in the subway.
USER: Egypt opened the tomb of Pharaoh Amenhotep III for visitors after 20 years of renovation work. WITSCRIPT: And within minutes, someone left a Starbucks cup on the sarcophagus.
USER: President Trump commuted the sentence of former congressman George Santos for fraud and identity theft. WITSCRIPT: Guess he’s the new press secretary for Mar-a-Lie-go.
USER: Four thieves stole priceless royal jewels from the Louvre in broad daylight. WITSCRIPT: Authorities say they would’ve gotten away faster if they hadn’t stopped for crepes.
USER: Amazon Web Services had a major outage this morning that took down websites including Snapchat, Disney+, and Reddit. WITSCRIPT: Millions of users were forced to experience the unthinkable—talking to their families.
USER: An animal control officer in Denver rescued a baby squirrel that fell out of a tree at a miniature golf course. WITSCRIPT: It’s recovering well and already trying to bury a neon golf ball behind the pirate ship.
USER: More than one million tickets have already been sold for next year’s World Cup. WITSCRIPT: And that’s just my aunt trying to figure out how to use Ticketmaster.
USER: Japan's top sumo wrestlers toured London this week before the sold-out Grand Sumo Tournament. WITSCRIPT: Traffic reports say the Underground was delayed because everyone thought the wrestlers *were* the trains.
USER: OpenAI announced that soon verified adults will be able to use ChatGPT to create erotica. WITSCRIPT: Guess we’ve officially reached the age of prompt engineering with benefits.
USER: A new mother won a video game tournament in Florida while holding her 5-day-old baby. WITSCRIPT: Finally, a gamer who can say, "I brought my own extra life."
USER: Former race car driver Danica Patrick posted a video of herself doing a choreographed "adult dance" routine. WITSCRIPT: Guess she still knows her way around a pole position.
USER: An Ohio zoo is asking the public to help name its newborn rhino calf. WITSCRIPT: Because “Horny McHornface” was apparently too on the nose.
USER: The National Park Service is pleading with visitors to Yosemite National Park to not leave their used toilet paper behind. WITSCRIPT: Apparently “Leave No Trace” does not mean “leave a Charmin chandelier in the pine trees.”
USER: A cake that Tom Cruise often gives as a holiday gift has been recalled. WITSCRIPT: Apparently, it was too intense for human consumption.
USER: Tesla unveiled less expensive versions of its Model 3 and Model Y cars. WITSCRIPT: Finally, a Tesla for people whose autopilot is set to Dollar Tree.
USER: Mattel introduced new Barbie dolls made in the likeness of four rugby players. WITSCRIPT: Finally, a Barbie who comes with a pink convertible and a dislocated shoulder.
USER: The USDA warned people that some Hello Fresh subscription meals contain spinach that may be contaminated with listeria. WITSCRIPT: Guess it’s less “Hello Fresh” and more “Hey there, hospital.”
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