Bastard Spaniard
@AwfulTweeter
Like The Sphinx, I am a mystery and a combination of many things. Also like The Sphinx, my nose may fall off someday due to poor life choices.
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My iPhone just changed down to DTF, so a pretty clear indication of the life I'm leading right now.
Just finished my book about a bastard child and multiple unsuccessful paternity tests...it's called Tuesdays with Maury.
Along with my purchase of Ke$ha music, apparently I ordered purple velvet pants last night as well.These are cries for help.#interventionnow
Apparently I got high an bought the new Ke$ha album last night. That'll teach me to make better life choices:(
Thought I saw a ghost in my house last night. Luckily it was just a burglar in a sheet. Whew.
Can anyone tell me why there is a half eaten chocolate chip muffin on the ground next to the toilet at work? Thanks!
My friends will only be impressed with my acting career if I appear in either Honey Boo Boo or a snuff film. It's death either way.
Does CBS get such high ratings because old people forget how to change the channel on their remote?
If putting up #Christmas decorations to Too $horts "Freaky Tales" is wrong, I don't wanna be right!!!
I'm officially old. Now when I go to Planned Parenthood they ask where the minor I'm accompanying for the procedure is.
It's called #BlackFriday because inevitably you'll end up at a funeral of someone you know who was trampled at #walmart.
"Audrey Hepburn was not a cutter"- overheard at dinner tonight. No context needed.
#thanksgiving dinner tip: An amputated thumb looks just like a baby carrot. Just glaze it and leave it in the dish!
2 hours til I play which relative is the most racist/suicidal!My bet is Aunt Patty, I think she might hang herself with her Romney bunting.
I'm thankful I'm not another Kardashian sister! Also, booze and antibiotics. #thanksgiving
Can't wait for the annual "What are you thankful for toast" tomorrow. My answer? Amazing Pussy!!!!! (Cut to my mom weeping on the turkey)
My DVR is full. I have to delete Friends with Benefits or Horrible Bosses. Must be what a girl in trouble at Planned Parenthood feels like.
My phone keeps changing dick to FIV so not only am I questioning my texting history but how many sick slutty cats I know. #toomany
Whenever my mom loses her shit over my nose piercing I politely remind her I'm 10 years away from picking her nursing home. #winner
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