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Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second, but instead I am going to run over 100 times with the vacuum at different angles.
Bernie Sanders Gains Key Endorsements In South Carolina: thebernreport.com/bernie-sanders… - via:@TheBernReport #FeelTheBern @People4Bernie
ET: Now phone home... And get your muthafuckin shinebox Joe Pesci (smashing jar full of Reese's Pieces): MUTHAFUCKA
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden? Me out of breath with no shoes on: I'm not sure.
Looks like David Schwimmer has been cast to play Marcia Clark in the new 'People vs. O.J'
[1st date] Me: I don't mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say? Her: chicken Me: no, after that Her: nuggets
Why does it happen that most of the new jobs being created today in America are part-time, low wage jobs?
I'd be an optimist, but then I'd be wrong about everything.
So class, explosions in space are inaudible. The physics of Star Wars is a joke. [class is silent] [from the back] EAT A DICK, MR. GRAYSON
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn't mean to answer the call.
"No! Don't go into the church! Nooo!" "Honey, what movie are you watching?" "Our wedding video."
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
[Frantically pressing Jeopardy buzzer] Me: (5th time now) What is updog? Alex Trebek: God dammit! Will someone take his buzzer away already?
One good thing about getting old. If the middle of my back itches I can just keep clawing at it until my skin stretches
Shhhhhh. *places finger over her lips* I want our first time to be special. Now, pay attention. Give me a #1 combo with cheese, all the way.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good.
Me: What's for dinner? Wife...it's 9am. Me *leans in* I didn't ask you for the fucken time.
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- 4. Sabalenka N/A
- 5. #saturdaymorning N/A
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- 7. Mariah N/A
- 8. #questpit N/A
- 9. Hanoi Jane N/A
- 10. Pusha N/A
- 11. Billy Porter N/A
- 12. #RoyalRumble N/A
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- 16. Moltbook N/A
- 17. #AustralianOpen2026 N/A
- 18. Prince Andrew N/A
- 19. Weinstein N/A
- 20. Diddy N/A
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