Lou Holtzman
@Loho23
Life is short so it's better when it's funny.
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Picking up my phone and dumbfoundedly staring at the icons is the new “why did I walk into this room?”
I don't like edam. It always tastes like it's made the wrong way.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
“I want to quit smoking” “So jump in a pool” “Not that kind of smoking”
Wife: what do you want for Christmas Me: I want to ride a horse to the middle of the desert and take peyote and scream at god Wife: I mean from like target Me: ooooh an air fryer
[being seated for blind date] her: have you ever been on one of these before me: yeah I love chairs
Is a preexisting condition a condition that existed before it existed?
CVS pharmacy Clerk: *Staples little bag with Rx* Here you go sir. Want a bag for that? Me: Um no it’s already in a bag. C: Yes but I mean a plastic one with handles. Me: One bag is enough and I have opposable thumbs.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they're arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling "shut up!" at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
The sentence "Are you as bored as I am?" can be read backwards and still makes sense.
When a rapist gets a woman pregnant, only one of them should be considered a criminal.
brian was starting to think that maybe his mom wasn’t coming back
People who claim they’ve swum in the rivers in Paris and Cairo are either insane or in denial.
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