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Wife gave me a "blow job coupon" for my birthday, but apparently Rachel from marketing doesn't take coupons
Of course you're gifted, son. We definitely wouldn't have paid for you
I only proof read at the liquor store.
"Hey do you have to work today?" - assholes who don't have to work today
No baby you're the only girl I've slept with all the other girls kept me up all night long
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better... or worse? Better... or worse?
Buy one Oprah, get Winfrey.
People who leave alcohol at your house are the real heroes.
Just put in the nice tree swing. Can't wait for the fucking spring
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can't finish this relay race.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn't about marriage?
[Giraffes at gym] "What do you want to work on today?" Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!! Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won't fix... Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I've got a magic dog. He's a Labracadabrador.
How to eat French fries: 1) Eat all the good ones. 2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior. 3) Wait 5 minutes. 4) Eat all the yucky ones.
If love is a battlefield than this trip to the mall was Gettysburg.
You seem like the kind of guy that edits Wikipedia.
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