MustardStain
@Whitnuts
Everything is funny when you don't take anything seriously
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Most of my days are spent trying to remember what happened the day before.
Not to brag but I'll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Don't you just hate it when you get settled to watch a movie, then the person on the other side of the window changes the channel?
Things to do before I'm 40. Not die. Find out what this stain on my shirt is.
I would be a Justin Timberlake fan if I liked dudes who sound like their balls are the size of BB pellets.
You can tell anyone what you really think about them if you just wear a Bluetooth, point to your ear and roll your eyes as you say it.
“I love long walks in the rain!” “Perfect! Get out of the car, bitch.”
Wife: It's date night! Me: So, a movie, and... You still have that school uniform? W: Yes. *winks* M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
[job interview] Him: Do you have any social media accounts? Me: ... Him: ... Me: ... Him: ... Me: ... Him: ... Me: ... Him: ... Me: ...
"Let him that hath understanding count the number of the breast, for it is the number of a woman; and the number is 36D." Brovelation 13:18
My grandpa always tells me... "You might as well plug me back in. You're not in the will."
Me: What's on TNT? Wife: A "Dallas" rerun. M: ABC? W: A "Nashville" repeat. M: CNN? W: "Ferguson" M: Feel like we've seen that before, too.
"You always hurt the ones you love," I whisper to the pizza through my burned mouth, tears in my eyes.
Oh no, don't worry, it's actually really healthy.. All this cocaine is gluten free!
“It’s 5 o’clock somewhere” starts at 11am on Mondays.
I'm gonna write a book about the crazy bitches... Gonna call it "50 Shades of Bae"
[fades in] [fades out] [fades in] [fades out] [fades in] [fades out] [fades in] [fades out] [fades in] [fades out] -me, at work
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