The World’s Okayest Dad
@dad_nit
Inspiring a generation of mediocre dads.
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Dad hack: if they ask for the paw patrol shampoo and you use the buzz lightyear shampoo, it’s easier to brush their teeth while they’re crying, because they don’t close their mouths.
Our release has the same feature! Elon obvi stealing our ideas
Being a dad is like being the bouncer at a rough bar that tiny humans are overserved at and go from the life of the party to total disaster back and forth in a heartbeat. You can’t throw them out, and the music is terrible.
I’m not bragging or anything but with the help of a home equity line of credit I was able to make three-egg omelets for the family this morning.
There’s nothing cuter than finding your diaper wearing child who hid to poop and having them yell “go away”.
I will agree there is inflation when pickles are no longer a nickel
My 3 year olds love language is popcorn
the answer to most 3 year old tantrums is just pushing the phone in front of them. Just don't do it with window down while driving.
5: what if your nose was a butt and all your sneezes smelled like farts? [there's not a mommy blog or Neil de Grasse Tyson article on the internet to help answer this question]
saw a video of a dad mocking his teenage daughter by twerking in a well-manicured backyard with @WeberGrills Genesis Built-in making smoke in the background. Man, his back is gonna hurt tomorrow.
Me: hey, eat your waffle. It’s almost time to leave. 2 year old (to Mami): I don’t want Papi to talk to me or my waffle.
Just took the trash out so my wife could watch me pulling my weight. I had every intention of sitting down in the garage and checking my phone but I left it inside. It weirdly felt like a walk of shame sneaking through that chaotic kitchen.
After a long day of work, I like to come home and give my wife and both kids a big hug and a kiss. Wife: you have 3 kids.
As an adult you switch to crunchy peanut butter just to feel something
Dad hack: give your kids a food they absolutely will not eat and tell them they have to finish all of it or go to bed early.
The best thing a friend could turn and say to you in a moment of grief will always be “I have bail money”.
I found my jorts. Look out hot dad summer. Update: they don’t fit. Look out hot dad summer.
Me: I'm just saying, I really like how you're thorough at your job Thoreau impersonator [flicking cigarette]: yeah wiseass, real original. Look, we doing a photo in front of the pond or what?
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