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In school they said I’d never amount to anything. That college wouldn’t be an option for me because I didn’t have the work ethic or discipline. Well this week (not including today & yesterday) I’ve had zero cases of explosive diarrhoea & just put a deposit down on an air fryer.
Theo Von: so you just had a baby huh Sam Altman: a human baby, yes
Good cop: we found the body in the river Cop who doesn't want people knowing he can't swim: I was sick that day otherwise I'd have found it
Fucken hate it when Sonic drops the coins, those are valuable you little shit just slow down
The thing about Will Smith is that even though he’s an action star, sometimes he acts like a fucken idiot.
Interviewer: why do you want to work here? Me: I really admire your company’s commitment to paying people
Best part of 28 Years Later is when Ralph Fiennes tells Spike to put his mum’s skull away.
We’re ‘my wife just asked me to stop buying the spicy toothpaste’ white
If you drink a Coke and it’s got a guys name on it does that make you gay
Just flew in from Perth and oh boy are my arms tired (I had to push the plane along the tarmac to the gate)
What’s something that’s legal but feels like shouldn’t be? I’ll go first - theft
So he didn’t walk on water?
The very exact boat Jesus used during his ministry on eat has been found "JESUS IS REAL AND ALIVE #GloryBeToGod 🙏🙏
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