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My pitch for “National Treasure 3”. Nicolas Cage goes to Canada and just hangs out with Martin Short #martinshort #nickCage #nicolascage #NationalTreasure #moviepitch
When my son sleeps in our bed with us we sleep in the form of an “H” shape with my son as the cross peace… or an upside down “A” as if to say “If he wasn’t here, we totally would have”. #parenting #toddler #kids #sleep
I’ve gone 7 days without eating an Almond Joy. This marks a week of being somber. #NoNutNovember #NNN and for my French friends #SomberNovembre
My security company phones me twice every week. “Are you on fire?” …”No, making toast again. Thanks for checking” #home #falsealarm #toast #toaster #burn #smokedetector
My wife says I should drink more water so I added an extra can of water to our Campbell’s soup. Haha that’s two cans of water to the one of concentrate.. fuck her and her smooth skin she rode on in. #skincare #water #hydrohomie #hydration #ownboss #stuborn
For the record, not everything I do is out of incompetence. Some are well informed bad decisions I make. #adulting #decision #parenting #idiot #idiots #stupid
I was gonna get a air fryer but I figured I’d just wait for a solar flare. #armagedon #solarflare #sun #airfryer #death #foodie
The people shoplifting in self checkout because “I wasn’t trained as a cashier” are the same people putting used motor oil in the blue bins. #recycle #shoplift #shopping #checkout #selfcheckout #thief
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, If some one in the Russian mob kills your dog, maybe just let it slide. #dog #puppy #pet #russianmob #murder
When I post to X I put my phone up to my ear so that people don’t think I’m posting to myself. #hellohellohello #echoechoecho #thevoid #tweet #x #post
My wife and I have very different views on flight comfort vs cost. Her (5’4”)- If it’s an extra $100 it’s worth it for the leg room. Me (5’11”)- If they had seats that were $100 cheaper in “spooning class” I’d take them. #airtravel #westjet #aircanada #airplane #airport #travel
I wish house plants were as easy to grow a mold. My wife wouldn’t cry as much when she comes back from trips. “Ya babe, of course everything is still alive… And you won’t believe how much Monstera started growing in the basement!” #houseplants #plants #mold #marriage #plant
After two years of putting on my shoes with a baby in my arms, I think I’m qualified to teach yoga. #parenting #yoga #toddler #momlife #dadlife #mom #dad #crane
It’s soup season again!. Time for me to ruin another perfectly fine soup with nutmeg. #fall #autumn #soup #foodie #food #spice #october
Fun Fact- Mule ears can rotate 180 degrees. That is why they are notorious for being stubborn. They never have to face music. #mule #stubborn #farm #ranch #horse #horses
My brother finally twisted my arm and got me to join his BJJ gym. Turns out it’s called a “Kimura” And it’s the number one way to force someone to join your gym. #BJJ #Kimura #mma #gym
My toaster is soooo easy. You just put the bread in and push down the lever. When the smoke detector goes off you know you should have popped it 5 minutes ago. Easy. #morning #breakfast #toast #toaster #burn
Before getting a personal jet pack that can go 100 ft off the ground you should be forced to wipe out on a skateboard which is zero feet off the ground. So you know how absolutely fucked you’re about to become. #jetpack #skateboard #skateboarding #gravity
Mornings are for self reflection. (Me this morning screaming into a mirror) “You think you’re better than me because you’re left handed!?” #selfreflection #morning #self #lefthanded #lefty #reflection
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