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The chopping of the cucumber on the intro of come dine with me, does something to me.
Just realised I’ll be spending this weekend the same as all week. But with more alcohol.
Good times if you don’t have a TV licence. Knock knock. Fuck off.
I’ve turned into fucking Greg Wallace in the kitchen. After 7 minutes of the pizza being in the oven I point to my watch and shout ‘We’re halfway there folks, halfway there.”
Always get stuck behind the cunt doing their annual finances at the ATM.
I could sit here for the next day and apologise but it would be much more efficient if you just accepted I’m a bit of a dick when I’m drunk.
When you save money on a purchase and you budget that saving on every other purchase.
I'm somewhere between wanting to have a nap and go out and dance on tables.
'Parent to 3 wonderful kids' I bet 2 of them are cunts and 1 is alright.
90% of the time I'm wearing earphones, I'm not actually listening to anything.
A lot of the time I can't be fucked listening to music. The thoughts in my head are entertaining as much.
Mexicans are so good at digging tunnels because they eat a lot of mole.
I have a good sense of direction until I leave a bathroom in a hotel.
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